[Rant] Depression

[teradyneezeri]

To paraphrase the Scout from Team Fortress 2, “Depression sucks on ice.”

I’ve been dealing with depression since the mid 2000s, maybe a bit earlier…I remember I was in third-grade when it started. Initially triggered by a quack psychiatrist putting me on what amounted to a dose of Ritalin that built up to toxic—and potentially deadly—levels within my bloodstream. It was countered with a year or so of Paxil, then about six months of Welbutron, before drugs became too toxic for my body. I had to force myself off of them, before they killed me.

Mercifully, my depression was usually regulated to what I always called the “October–January corridor”, as it would always start around October 31st, and end around January 15th. It was almost like clockwork. Then, my mom’s death happened, and I found it extending to the middle of February. This year, it seems to not want to end.

Setback after setback has happened as of late with my writing. Distractions galore, stress galore, my grandfather’s scare where he needed to be hospitalized, one of my uncles may be close to death, possible issues with getting a mortgage for the home we’re in, flood-inducing rain that’s been hitting the area, news of kids from a nearby apartment complex breaking into storage sheds, more kids showing up and setting people off with road rage…It just keeps piling up.

City life sucks…But it’s what I have right now, so I have to push myself through it, and I’m honestly the only one who can. While my mates have been the source of some of my stress*, they’re also pretty much the only ones helping me to keep going right now. They’re the only ones able to, since they’re the only two I have around me in meatspace.

The worst part is that, right now, my desire to write is so iffy that I’ve effectively lost a desire to work on anything. I’m adding a few details to my Allomera Chronicles universe through my wiki, but for all intents and purposes, I have absolutely no drive to actually use it right now, and I’m not sure when I will anymore.

What can I do to help myself? Well, not much. Gaming stresses me out, and it was my main go-to for stress relief. The best I can do on that front is play a bit of solitaire to clear my mind for a few minutes.

I can’t write while I’m this way, and I can’t really read or watch anything. I can’t keep interest, and it can sometimes ruin a series for me. I have the Quintaglio Ascension trilogy sitting nearby, waiting to be read, but I dare not risk killing it for myself.

I’m not going to approach anyone and talk about things anymore, as that’s only resulted in guilty feelings and bad experiences in general. I’m on my own for this.

I’ll figure something out. I always do. I just don’t know what it is right now, and I’m not going to make myself available on IM and chat while I’m like this. Possibly going to suspend any Twitter usage for a while as well. I’m not going to ruin someone else’s day, and it’s too easy to do that while I’m like this.

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* : Hey, family life isn’t always a walk through the tulips.