Note: If you believed some of my previous entries to be too long, you will likely be "turned off" by the length of this entry.
After my dreams from the previous two nights, I now wonder if perhaps I am beginning to allow my Legecian side to take over once again.
- I find myself writing in a much more _formal_ tone, even when I intend to use a more casual tone, and using pronouns only out of habit for the language.
- My thoughts return to the pseudo-caste system which Legecia uses (Leaders, Warriors, Commons, Slave Class). It still feels so much simpler than the social _norms_ found on Earth.
- Each time I hear the term race, my thoughts have begun to associate it with Oaq'sshia (romanized, not transliterated), which is also the term for species in the same context, as there is no ideal of a single race divided into sub-races on Legecia.
- The fact that I retain phantom sensations from my dreams matches what my Legecian body has become, as a shape-shifter. Even now, I still feel the wing joints of a Reshiram along my forearms.
- Admittedly, my skill with the English language seems to be worsening in many regards, rather than improving. This is most apparent in face-to-face speech, as it can require quite a bit of thought and time to come up with words that express my intentions. I have increasingly found myself stumbling over my words in ways that honestly scare me.
- I feel increasingly out of place around humans outside of my inner circle. I simply do not enjoy being around humans aside from my mates and friends, and this feeling has been getting stronger over several weeks at this point.
- My feelings of exhaustion have not only come from my lack of sleep, but from the mood at home. Even when my mates are smiling, I can tell that there is quite a bit weighing on them. I can sense it, just as I would from my Legecian body.
- I feel much more disconnected from the world around me. It is as if I do not want to deal with human society in general, though this feeling has also been exacerbated by social media (as I have previously mentioned), as well as from the _Arcejai_ dreams I explained recently (more on that below).
This list is actually a short collection of thoughts that have sat within my mind for the last several days. Much of it has a root in one very clear topic: human culture.
As I have stated before in my journals, I do not identify as human, and have not truly identified as such for troughly the last 13 years. I will agree to use the term human for myself in certain situations, but I do so because many humans would see me a insane or disturbed otherwise, and I would not be able to operate in such a situation.
It is rather sad. People are so blinded by their misinterpretation of the terms sane and scientific proof, that anyone who experiences or knows something which is not easily provable in a manner that satifies others could be labeled as insane or lying, even though there is no proof otherwise. After all, for a scientifically accepted fact, something must be disproven for it to be considered false. Otherwise, it is considered plausible or implausible, not fact/fiction.
Admittedly, I have become acclimated to this issue, choosing to hide myself when necessary, and show myself otherwise. It has become second-nature, which is...rather disturbing, in my opinion. It really should not be this way.
Another asspect included in this culture issue is my more formal speech. People have bluntly told me that they find such speech creepy and unnatural when spoken, though perfectly acceptible when used in textual form.
I find this rather difficult to understand, at least from the point that formal speech is different from formal writing. However, I am also able to understand their viewpoint from a more personal level. They are so used to the casual—and often crass—speech which people use in daily life in the United States and United Kingdom, as well as on social media, that when someone deviates from that expected behaviour, it honestly unsettles them.
I experienced this for quite a while, though I learned to simply adapt and move on. This does not seem to be a common trait among people I have had the chance to meet, though. In fact, it seems to be rather rare, especially among those younger than my human body.
(Aside: Admittedly, so is the aspect of patience, as well as the idea that you should not interrupt someone as they are trying to speak, especially if you have stayed silent long enough to make it seem that you are finished. I am referring to a rather large portion of people I encounter in face-to-face conversation—especially among Spanish speakers. As my sister Lenne as told me before, "The virtue of simply allowing another to speak without interruption is a dying aspect among humans. Do not bother correcting such behaviour, as it is a lost cause.")
The idea of using third-person speech would cause even more issues, especially among those known as social justice warriors. In English, this used in a humble, formal, or royal tone, depending on the individual speaking. For myself, it would be a humble and respectful tone, but here-in lies the problem: culture.
People see such speech as something to frown at, either because of how it was used as something to humiliate others in the past, or due to just how abnormal it is in comparison. In the case of the first issue, it was used by slave labour as a form of humiliation, enforced by their owners.
Of course, as a Legecian, the term slave (Fa'yuiss when romanized from Legecian) has a completely different connotation. The slave class is made from people who wish to be owned, and all members of the class are treated with respect rather than disdain. They have given up their freedom to serve another, and willingly so. This is seen as a very noble action among Legecians.
As a result, there is culture clash. I would be completely unable to speak as I would feel comfortable, simply because of so-called social norms, at least in regards to actual speech. Textual speech is another matter entirely, and follows different norms.
This is a difficult subject to talk about, though. In order for people to understand, I would need to use examples, or something to base my thoughts on that could be understood by anyone reading this entry. That is where the difficulty lies, though. Much of these thoughts have no basis which I can easily cite.
As such, I will try and elaborate in another entry, perhaps two. For now, my thoughtstream has continued long enough.