teradyneezeri: (Default)
[personal profile] teradyneezeri
I am almost 30 solar years old now, with my next birthday being December 10th. I had a poor education which I have yet to correct, no college education, skills that seem to be lacking any need in current markets, poor health that I cannot correct without money (or at all, in the case of my back), and little in the way of ability to learn new skills without considerable effort.


I am not logically-minded, so trying to become a programmer is effectively out of the question—though I have been making small strides with C#. I am fairly decent as an aesthetic designer, becoming better as an artist, and a fairly good fiction writer. However, it all falls apart when I am unable to focus.


Focus is one of my worst problems, as I am completely unable to multitask. If someone keeps my attention away from a task from too long, I will lose track of what I was trying to do. This is especially damaging with my writing, as it can completely derail ideas I was trying to put down. With my art, it can leave me unable to work at all, because I lose the mental image I need to draw.


If I am trying to work, I will typically ignore or shut down IMs and other distractions (aside from music) just so I can do actual work. However, when real life comes knocking, I still lose everything on my mind anyway. I have responsibilities which take priority, like family.


My sleep—or lack thereof—is another issue with my focus. My natural sleep cycle is to be awake from about 17:00 until about 05:00, which just does not work when either of my mates are off of work. As I have the only other vehicle aside from my mate Calyo's car (the latter of which both of my mates are insured to drive), I have to be awake if they need to go anywhere. There is also the fact that I get calls and such from my parents back in Fort Smith, and like my mates, they can break through my phone's Do Not Disturb mode, for obvious reasons.


Without sleep, I have issues keeping myself going, and being awake during the day is extremely draining on my body and mind. I have to use food and caffeine to keep enough energy to work, and that is if I can get enough to do so.

Admittedly, I do not see myself regaining my ability to focus for a while, especially given my situation at home. Between one of my mates having their mother living with us, issues with my own family's health, and just not being able to really get a lot of privacy for a while, something keeps nagging at me to give up on my creative side for the time being. Then again, maybe that is from the sleep deprivation and resulting depression. I do not know.


I will keep trying, at least for now. Perhaps I should start keeping myself completely offline when I am working, and shut off my phone…Hmm…
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